Username: Moifern
Ban reason: 1 use of the slur 'tr..ny' and 14 uses of the word 're..rd' in the past thirty days
Length of ban: Indefinite
Ban Issue:
The ban is fair, but I would like a second chance or reduction
Vote Opt-Out: false
Events leading to the ban
I remember the night that every single usage of these words were used and I regretted it immediately after and since then. I’ve actually been waiting to see if anything became of it and I see it finally caught up with me.
I had been drinking fairly heavily that night due to external factors in my life weighing down and I wanted to cut loose. Tldr of my history with alcohol is that there’s a good reason I had stayed sober for so many years, and decided to stick with weed, something that has rather been prescribed to me as a form of medication, opposed to the alcohol which could be considered self medication in the moment. I only mention these seemingly irrelevant facts due to the fact that you can see that I do not have a history rife and riddled with slurs or line walking, rather I tend to keep my altercations short and attempt to deescalate. I will admit I seethe in chat at times, but nothing to the extent I did that night. That night I felt antagonistic due to undisclosed factors mentioned before, and decided to make Maxwell and whomever that detectives name was, moreso the detective as he murdered me, not an excuse but an insight from myself.
The details in game were pretty irrelevant to what I was typing, as I broke RP in doing so. It all stemmed from an opinion of distro pressure, that was it. We were all playing together nicely, even the det and I, moments before I argued with Maxwell over common. The events leading up to the actual incident are not related to anyone on the server, rather a culmination of stress from recent familial health issues combined with unhealthy veteran coping skills.
Now what I have addressed the events leading to my tirade, I would like to address the words I chose in the moment. I don’t recall using the word “tr…ny” as a slur, so it most likely was used when I was ranting in common. My usage of the word was out of frustration in the moment, and my attempts to sound demeaning. I am 30, and had spent most of my life on the internet, picking up bad habits while having found myself a home in a rather toxic community of players for the better part of a decade. I have said my share of terrible things in the past, and that is where I want to keep it: the past. In the moment and in my frustration I resorted to old habits and dug for something past edgy and into hurtful, and I apologize to anyone who may had been insulted reading that.
Regarding the 14 instances of the R-word in the next 10 minutes, it was solely to get under the skin of those 2 people. Again, this isn’t a justification, rather an insight into my thoughts at the time as I believe intent matters a lot for context. I had been told before it was a slur, and to be honest I didn’t think much of it until that night, as in my drunken state, I greeted the disgust of my words as an invitation to antagonize. While I don’t have a history of saying the word past that night, (save for the time I was told it was a slur prior to that, I then adopted idiot) I felt comfortable using it as that was very common vernacular in my young adult life, having been in the military followed by working for military contractors, the word was very commonly used (my defense for using it at the time wasn’t entirely baseless either, as it was true. Deflection we all knew, but true nonetheless. Additionally, seeing as I was in an environment where the word was used as both an insult and a technical term (working in a diminished capacity, a temporary state not permanent), my perception of it has been synonymous with “idiot”, and was in no way meant to come off as ableist. Edit: I kinda lost the plot here, but the message was meant to be my resorting to the word wasn’t justified but what my go-to because x. Re-reading i felt like it sounded too much like justification, this was not my intent. To reiterate my previous goal for this fuckin’ post-bowl academic journal was to be transparent with my intent and I just kept typing
If you’ve read this far, I congratulate you on finishing my ramblings, and would also like to ask for your forgiveness with hat in hand. I hope that the admins will recognize this as an outlier opposed to a pattern, and grant me a second chance to reform. You know my past, you know I’ve been a massive piece of shit in the past, as well as had cursing and slurs be reinforced into daily life due to my environment. With the said, seeing as this is an isolated attempt should speak volumes about my growth as a person, both in maturity as well as empathy.
Reason the ban should be removed
I didn’t realize this was 2 boxes and accidentally wrote a thesis paper and it’s too intermingled to separate. Also there was really nothing leading up to it other than me being a drunk heated idiot. I love this game, this community, and the loose station friendships I have made with some of the other players, and I would hate to lose it.
Alternate Accounts
None
