Zero_Diamond - Ban Appeal

SS14 account username: Zero_Diamond
Ban reason: “ behavior is deeply unpleasant and you can explain it on the forums”
Date of ban: 06/13/2023
Length of ban: Appeal only
Events leading to the ban: Following a miserable round, I became completely unhinged in OOC, verbally abusing multiple players in a highly inappropriate and totally unacceptable manner.  The exact contents can be retrieved at the link provided in the ban reason.
Reason the ban should be removed: To be completely honest, you have no reason to remove the ban; you were absolutely in the right to remove me from the game for the unfiltered vitriol I was spewing into post-game OOC chat.  Not only was this behavior unacceptable, but it was frankly childish as well in a way that left me feeling deeply embarrassed within only a couple hours of it having happened.

There is no reasonable explanation for why in God’s name I came so completely unglued over something so very minor in the grand scheme of things.  I’m a grown ass man with a myriad of mental problems: ADHD, depression, anxiety chief among them.  They’ve put me on multiple different combinations of medications over the years and none thus far have been particularly effective; my current antidepressant mostly staves off suicidal thoughts, but that’s about the extent of it.  My life has been rough lately and I’ve been going through a lot as far as just alternatingly feeling depressed at my inability to do anything other than lay in bed and anxiety over my fears that the few friends I have will grow tired of dealing with me and I will die alone and miserable.

Going into that round, I wasn’t feeling great and the way things unfolded just kind of… sent me into a spiral.  It’s a pattern that I can easily recognize in hindsight, but still struggle with in the moment: I’m in a bad sort, something sets me off, I yell and make an ass of myself, then I realize I’m behaving like an asshole and it quickly swings around from anger to self-loathing.  After I logged out, I spent the next few hours basically just wallowing, eventually arriving at the point where I was so miserable that I just shut off the lights and laid there in a dark, silent room.

None of this excuses what happened and I understand that.  I fully take responsibility for what I did and acknowledge that it was disruptive, childish, and incredibly petty.  It is not my intent to try and use any of this as a crutch or shield myself behind it; rather, I simply wanted to make it clear that this is neither who I normally am nor who I strive to be.  While I may have gotten a little heated here and there in the past, it should be verifiable that this is the first time I’ve ever acted like this in-game, and going forward–should you see fit to reinstate my ability to play–I would like to do everything in my power not to let it happen again.  Having been given this sobering wake up call in the form of an appeal ban, I would like to think that in the future I will think back to this shameful moment and, rather than let myself make a complete ass of myself in public, either hold my tongue or simply turn the damned game off.

If I haven’t made it clear as crystal thus far, I will make it so: I am genuinely sorry for my behavior in that situation.  I cannot apologize profusely enough for it.  Ultimately, the decision as to whether or not I may play the game again is in the hands of the game’s moderation staff, but in making that choice I ask that you take into consideration the unfortunate circumstances I’ve been dealing with as well as the fact that I am making every effort to demonstrate that I have no desire to be the person that was on display in that small window of time.  In closing, I’d like to thank you for your time and consideration, and let you know that regardless of the choice you make, I personally will not hold it against you.

Admin consensus is to accept this appeal, given that behavior like this is not directed at players in game anymore. Due to the nature of the body of the appeal it is prudent to say that admins are not mental health experts and are not expected to engage in discussions of the sort in any capacity. None the less thank you for the appeal and the explanation.

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